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Why I don’t feel sorry for abused women

We all know that one friend/cousin / neighbour whose husband or boyfriend abuses her. We’ve all heard about mum’s colleague from work who fell from the stairs at least three times. We all remember that one woman who “had no other choice but the stay with him because of the kids”. We’ve all read painfull stories about battered, bruised and depressed women.

I always felt so sorry for them, I wanted to fight for them, to kick their husband’s behinds, to set them free… I had so many ideals, I can’t even count or remember them nowadays.  Being a child from a big, socialized family, and a child of a lawyer, I had the opportunity to witness  many people’s stories and life struggles. It all made me feel like driving on an emotional roller coaster throughout the years. It also gave me so many information and contexts, which led me to a somewhat shocking realization.

I honestly don’t feel sorry for most of the abused women.

It has nothing to do with me being cold, emotionless or mean. But it has everything to do with them wanting to be abused – not a news flash, really.

Nowdays it’s inexcusable to stay in an abusing relationship. If the abused woman has got no job to support herself (which I’ve also found to be usually her choice, not need or not being able to find a job), there are plenty of organizations that help women in every possible way. I may sound harsh, but I’m talking about many relationships around me – including one mine.

I actually allowed one always-between-jobs (is there a worse kind than that one?) who didn’t brush his teeth in the morning (because he brushed them before going to bed  (hopefully)) to make me feel bad about myself, the way I dress and look. For five months, he had the power to make me feel very self-conscious and bad. Funny thing is, it was him being inadequte to make tell me those things that made me more angry than him actually meaning that. I never really indulged in  his opinion, so it didn’t last long. Good riddance!

A friend of mine is in an emotionally abusive type of relationship for seven years now. She is one of the most innocent, cute, honest, hard working girls I’ve ever met. She comes from a wonderful, warm and supportive family and has amazing sisters. She’s pretty and positive and modest. I strongly believe she is one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. And yet, she’s in a relationship that kicked off at young age, but they didn’t grow up together – while she’s planning her future, he is more concerned about how mature he wants everyone to think of him, He forbids her to take a vacation with her girlfriends, controls her FB profile, calls, messages… It’s a riot watching him trying to control everything and making everyone like him, while nobody gives a rat’s ass about him and his control-freaking, nor likes him at all. She misses out on movie nights and trips, family events and weddings because he is so freakin’ jealous! She actually left three days after we came to the seaside for a vacation. Up until that point I thought about talking to her and showing my support, but when she obeyed his order to come back home because he said so, I’ve decided to keep my mouth shut because it’s obviously her choice to let someone else control her life.

My other friend is in a reltionship where he hits her when he gets mad “because she made him mad”,” drove him crazy”, “was so annoying”… He orders what her children will eat and when, he punishes them when they get a grade lower than an A, he doesn’t allow this or that… She leaves him every couple of days, once a month “it’s for good, it’s forever this time,,,” and, guess what? She’s now preagnant with him. Blisfully abused for five years and a baby on the way. A girl with a doctorate’s degree and a big salary and her own apartment obeying some low life with  a mountain of insecurities. Yay for independence! Yay for feminism!

I could name a few more, but it all sums up to the same ammount: lots of insecurities and no backbone.

Some people have told me I’m to harsh, it’s their life and what gives me the right to tell if someone else’s relationship is good or not?

Well, it’s actually VERY simple.  I HAVE A BRAIN AND COMMON SENSE.

Staying in an unhealthy relationship is as common as a cold in this new age. We are so freaked out about hitting 30, that we will settle down just for the sake of not ending up alone in few years. We blindfold ourselves and bend facts to fit the theory and wishes. It’s all about finding the one that will agree it’s okay to say I DO, It’s normal to be divorced, but not to be 30+ and single.

And  knowing if he/she is the one is just as simple. It’s a YES or NO thing.

Is he the type of guy you would be happy your daughter to marry?
Is she the girl you would like your daughter to be alike?



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1 Comment

  1. Hi, when I saw that you do not feel sorry for abuses woman in one of your titles I was wondering why and that make me read the whole article. I agree with this of your sentence – nowadays it’s inexcusable to stay in an abusing relationship. But we also need to consider that some woman depends on their husbands and have children so I agree they should find the other way, but it’s not that easy. It’s quite different and much easier if the woman has a job and is fully independent and then making a choice every day to stay in an abusive relationship. In that case, I also do not feel sorry. Thanx, Rahela xxx

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